Dear Alien,

Your television confuses me.

I tapped into the TV feed today because I wanted to hear more about the sad, regretful passing over of my good friend Gilligan. We knew each other from Studio 54 and ever since that unfortunate misunderstanding we had over who should wear the mylar, it's never been the same. But we've always had a deep, abiding respect for each other. (Though silver has always been a better color for me than for him.)

Anyway, I love watching the entertainment shows. There's always a strange familiarity hidden within the watching. The set - soooo blue and busy and flashy, their hosts - soooo white and busy and flashy, their text - soooo purple and busy and flashy. I always find a strange, cold comfort in the middle of the constant verbal assault and the total lack of news.

So, I'd just tapped into the feed when suddenly a bright flash appeared through the portal and distracted me from the screen. I kept looking outside for any sign of life but found nothing (as usual). I could still hear the entertainment program blasting in the background.

"It's sad when you think about it!" I heard the host shouting. "These people are soooo poor! And soooo black!"

I turned and looked at the screen and realized that this wasn't "Extra" at all. Apparently, I'd tapped into CNN's feed by mistake. I was watching Wolf Blitzer in "The Situation Room". And, evidently, the situation was how poor and black the new New Orleans evacuees were/are.

So...

I tried to listen but I couldn't.

Even though "The Situation Room" had the same blue set as "Entertainment Tonight" and touted the same purple prose of "Inside Edition", this host was soooo white that I knew it would blind me if I continued watching.

So I went back to humming Gilligan's favorite song : "My Buddy".

And went looking for that sign of life again.

I'll let you know when I find something.